


A Modest Proposal

by zovinar



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Humor, M/M, allen actually has the worst ideas sometimes, casual contact intimacy, kanda does not give a shit, off-screen monkey business, or at least the worst fallout from them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 07:32:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11308671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zovinar/pseuds/zovinar
Summary: “No, really. I think it’s a good idea.”“None of your ideas are ever good. Also: what the fuck.”





	A Modest Proposal

“We should have sex.”

Kanda pauses, squints up at him, then huffs.

Yeah, he’s not even gonna bother with that. Half of what Walker babbles is gibberish when he’s injured.

“Mm,” he says instead, finishing up the last row of stitches. He deliberately digs his fingers in as he bandages up Walker’s thigh.

Walker just sort of wheezes and glares, slumping in his chair. Mostly he looks like he wants to kick Kanda in the face—he’s got the right leverage for it, Kanda’s still sitting between his legs—but he _also_ still has Kanda’s golem sitting in his palm.

Koumi was very explicit: no fights while they were waiting for pickup. Normally that wouldn’t even faze them, but he’s threatening them with the Head Nurse and Lenalee. Lenalee would kill them.

Kanda shifts to get up, but Walker traps him, hooking a leg over his shoulder as he starts to stand.

“No, really. I think it’ll be a good idea.”

Kanda sends him a baleful look. “ _None_ of your ideas are good. Also: what the fuck.”

“Yes, exactly. But seriously, hear me out.”

“Right,” Kanda snorts, “not until I’m sure you’re not concussed. Bend down.”  

“What, fuck— _no_.”

“I will sit on you beansprout, get over yourself.”

Walker resists anyway so Kanda shoves him back into the chair, sits on him, and yanks his head down to check for any signs of blunt force trauma. Kanda doesn’t actually remember anything like that happening, but he still needs to rule it out.

“Uggghhhh,” Walker protests. But he knows better by now than to try anything so Kanda gets to do a quick touch-check while Allen spits and sputters when Kanda’s hair gets in his mouth.

Koumi had said Walker couldn’t even use the Ark so they were in the middle of butt fuck nowhere, stuck and snowed into this bullshit of a safe house that has medical supplies, food, and not much else.

They could either fight (forbidden), train (forbidden), or talk (disastrous).

In theory, they could also eat or sleep but Walker needed all the food because of his dumb shitty arm and they were both too on edge to sleep in anything but shifts. Which wasn’t gonna happen because Kanda has to stay up to watch over Walker’s stupid injured ass because he was the idiotic type who exacerbated his injuries when left to his own devices. Like a dumbass.

Walker elbows him lightly in the stomach so Kanda sits back and grabs his chin to jerk his head up and check his pupils.

Hm. Looks like it’s not delusional nonsense this time, just Walker’s regular brand of batshit crazy.

“Why,” Kanda asks flatly.

“Oh! Considering it?” Walker lights up, smiling as bright and chipper as the sun at dawn.  

Kanda narrows his eyes. He knows that smile—hasn’t ever bothered to warn people off it because they’d never believe him. But the mouth: it lies.

“You don’t have a head injury so I have no remorse about knocking you out.”

Walker makes a face before dropping his expression into a less affected wry grin.

Better. “Why.”

Walker tilts his head from side to side, collecting his thoughts, then glances at Kanda out of the corner of his eye. “You know that most people have sex ‘cause it’s fun, right?”

“If you think I actually—”

“I _know_ you don’t care. Still.”

Kanda scowls. “Yes.”

“Okay, well, one of the reasons fighting makes you feel better is because it releases chemicals in your brain that make you feel satisfied and less stressed.”

“So?”

“ _So_ , you can get something similar from sex.”

“And you know this because…” Kanda starts before trailing off. “Tch, Cross.”

Walker shrugs. “Basically.” He flicks his eyes over to the side and Kanda reaches over to grab him one of the canteens.

“Why does that even matter?”

“Well, we can’t spar or train.”

“Yeah.”

“And neither of us are going to sleep as it is.”

“Mm.”

“And unlike almost everyone else on the planet, you won’t stab me if I touch you for more than two seconds.”

Kanda raises a brow.

“And there’s no way I’m staring at your face for how many hours they’ll take to get here.” Allen gives him a dry look, “I’d be too tempted to punch it.”

Yeah, Kanda feels about the same.

“And then Lenalee will kill us.”

Kanda makes a vaguely affirmative noise.

“So why not?” Allen leans back in the chair and takes a sip of water.

Thinking, Kanda idly cards a hand through his hair.

“Also, Lavi might cry when he finds out.”

Kanda blinks. “Oh shit. We should have sex.”

 

* * *

  

“So?” asks Allen.

“Mmgh,” Kanda mumbles into his shoulder.

Sex apparently makes Kanda very, very, relaxed. He’s languid to the point of dozing as he drapes himself unapologetically over Allen. It’s kinda nice, but he’s also kinda putting half his weight on Allen’s stitches.

“ _So?”_ he prods.

Resting a hand against the wall and pushing up slightly, Kanda tilts his head and blinks hazily, considering. The shift has his hair spilling off his shoulders, cool where it falls onto Allen’s chest and neck, half obscuring Kanda’s expression.

“…Different,” he concludes.

“Well we certainly weren’t sparring.”

Kanda shoots him a nasty look before flopping down again to pillow his head on Allen’s collarbones.

“The endorphins are making you mushy.”

“Walker, I really don’t give a flying fuck right now.”

“ _Obviously._ I’m just gonna assume you liked it.”

Kanda leans an elbow onto his bandages. Definitely on purpose this time.

“Maybe we should put on more clothes before our pickup gets here.”

“If you move, I will stab you,” Kanda says and goes to sleep on him instead.

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically my other ship manifesto that came from me being a cranky aromantic and general mumblings about “casual intimacy in combat field teams” and other such nonsense.
> 
> runs in contrast with “[Like an Optical Illusion](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11311416),” which is where you can find out if Lavi would actually cry at this kinda shit.
> 
> for anyone who doesn't know, “[A Modest Proposal](https://andromeda.rutgers.edu/~jlynch/Texts/modest.html)” is an old-ish satirical essay about how to deal with rampant poverty and starvation during the irish potato famine. I’d recommend it bc it’s hilarious but content warning for gross hypotheticals used to make a point. 
> 
> also, If you hadn’t realized it previously, please keep in mind that most of the first conversation takes place as Kanda was threatening Allen with medical treatment while trapping him by essentially sitting in his lap. you know. just saying.


End file.
